Funny Email Attachments

[Nosivad]

Tech Support (Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0)

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that
the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into
all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing
7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my
favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0,
but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User.
__________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is
just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING
SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also
impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is
impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once
installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not
allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under
Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work
on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background
application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:..APOLOGIZE because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0,
Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will
cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the
only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional
software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short
Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support
 

[Nosivad]

Tech Support: upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 
Upgrading BoyFriend


Dear Tech Support:

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!

Sincerely, XXX


Dear XXX:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.

Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.

Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system.

Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME".

Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0.

Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.

After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familia 

Best of luck,
Tech Support

[Nosivad]

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India. The Personnel Manager said,
 
"Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it
 You cannot qualify for this job."

 Mujibar said, "I am ready."

 The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and
 Green."

 Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Manager,
 I am Ready."

 The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, green and I   pink It Up, and say, 'yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

 Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer
 Problems.

 No doubt you have spoken to him.

[Nosivad]

Amber Alert!!! 
Police today warned all men who frequent clubs and parties to stay
cautious when offered drinks by women. Females are using a 'date-rape
drug' called "Beer" to target unsuspecting men. This drug comes in
liquid form, and is available nearly everywhere!

"Beer" as it is commonly referred to, is used by 'female predators' to
persuade hapless male victims to go home with them. Women need only
persuade a man to consume a few of these "Beers," and then ask him home
for 'no-strings-attached Sex', .... a simple approach that renders most
men helpless.

After several "Beers," men will have sex with even unattractive women.
Often men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a horrible
headache, and a vague feeling that something bad happened. Some really
unfortunate men are even separated from their life's savings in a scam
called "a relationship!" In extreme cases, females have entrapped
unsuspecting males into long-term servitude through a punishment called
"Marriage!" Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam once
"Beer" is administered.

Forward this warning to every male you know! And, if you or some man you
know, have fallen victim to this insidious "Beer" and the predatory
women who administer it, rest assured, .... male support groups exist in
every major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your
encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected,
like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, look in the Yellow
Pages under "Golf Courses!

[Nosivad]

Toilet Cleaning Instructions:
 
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.   Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is  actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash and rinse.'

6. Have someone open the front door of your home.  Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.



Sincerely,

The Dog

[Ben Atkinson]

lol

[Nosivad]

10 commandments of Work

1. Never walk without a document in your hands
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy
Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you will get caught - your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

3. Messy desk
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice Mail
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed
According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6. Leave the office late
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.

7. Creative Sighing for Effect
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

8. Stacking Strategy
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

9. Build Vocabulary
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

10. MOST IMPORTANT:
DON'T let your boss see this by mistake!!!

[Nosivad]

The Weakest Link...

Here is a very simple little test comprising of four questions to determine the level of your intellect. Your replies must be spontaneous and immediate, with no deliberating or wasting time. And no cheating.


1: You are competing in a race, and overtake the runner lying in second place. In which position are you now?

Answer: If you answered that you're now coming first then you're completely wrong. You overtook the second runner and took their place, therefore you're coming second.

For the next question try not to be so dim.


2: If you overtake the last runner, what position are you now in?

Answer: If you answered second-last, once again you're completely wrong. Think about it... How can you overtake the person coming last? If you're behind them, then they can't be last. The answer is impossible! It would appear that thinking is not one of your strong points. You would make a good weak link!!!

Anyway, here's another to try, don't take any notes or use a calculator, and remember your replies must be instantaneous. Take heart!! (that was the dictionary's suggestion)


3: Take 1000. Add 40. Add another 1000. Add 30. Add 1000 again. Plus 20. Plus 1000. And plus 10. What is the total?

Answer: 5000??? Wrong again!!!!! The correct answer is 4100. Try again with a good calculator. Today is clearly not your day!!!

Although you should manage to get the last question right...


4: Marie's father has five daughters:
  1. Chacha
  2. Cheche
  3. Chichi
  4. Chocho
  5. ??
Question: What is the fifth daughter's name? Think quickly... you'll find the answer below...

Answer: Chuchu??? WRONG! It's obviously Marie! Read the question properly!


You are clearly the weakest link... GOODBYE!

[Nosivad]

A long time ago, there was a huge apple tree. A little boy loved to come and play around it everyday. He climbed to the tree top, ate the apples, took a nap under the shadow. He loved the tree and the tree loved to play with him.

Time went by... the little boy had grown up and he no longer played around the tree everyday. One day, the boy came back to the tree and he looked sad.

"Come and play with me," the tree asked the boy. "I am no longer a kid, I don't play around trees anymore." The boy replied, "I want toys. I need money to buy them." "Sorry, but I don't have money...but you can pick all my apples and sell them. Then you will have money."

The boy was so excited. He grabbed all the apples on the tree and left happily. The boy never came back after he picked the apples. The tree was sad.

One day, the boy returned and the tree was so excited. "Come and play with me" the tree said. "I don't have time to play. I have to work for my family. We need a house for shelter. Can you help me?" "Sorry, but I don't have a house. But you can chop off my branches to build your house." So the boy cut all the branches of the tree and left happily. The tree was glad to see him happy but the boy never came back since then. The tree was again lonely and sad.

One hot summer day, the boy returned and the tree was delighted. "Come and play with me!" the tree said. "I am sad and getting old.I want to go sailing to relax myself. Can you give me a boat?" "Use my trunk to build your boat. You can sail far away and be happy." So the boy cut the tree trunk to make a boat. He went sailing and never showed up for a long time.

Finally, the boy returned after he left for so many years. "Sorry, my boy. But I don't have anything for you anymore. No more apples for you..." the tree said. "I don't have teeth to bite" the boy replied.

"No more trunk for you to climb on." "I am too old for that now" the boy said.

"I really can't give you anything ... the only thing left is my dying roots" the tree said with tears. "I don't need much now, just a place to rest. I am tired after all these years." The boy replied. "Good! Old tree roots is the best place to lean on and rest.

Come, Come sit down with me and rest."The boy sat down and the tree was glad and smiled with tears...

This is a story for everyone. The tree is our parents. When we were young, we loved to play with Mom and Dad... When we grew up, we left them... only come to them when we need something or when we are in trouble. No matter what, parents will always be there and give everything they can to make you happy. You may think the boy is cruel to the tree but that is how all of us are treating our parents.

And love your parents, no matter where they are...

[Nosivad]

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

DID YOU PASS THE TEST, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

[Nosivad]

This was an important question asked during an interview session by a certain company. The management actually decided to employ the person who answered this question most appropriately. There was of course no right or wrong answer to this question but it all depends on how each individual answers it. Read the question below & think of how you would answer it before you scroll down to see the 'best' answer given by this particular person, who of course got employed.

On a dark & stormy night with rain pouring heavily, wind blowing wildly, lightning striking fiercely & thunder sounding loudly. It was 2am. You were driving a 2-seater car by yourself on a very lonely stretch of the countryside in this terrible storm when you came to a sheltered bus stop. There were 3 people at the bus stop - one was a doctor who saved your life previously when you had a heart attack, another was an extremely sick old man who seemed on the verge of death while the third was the dream of your life, someone whom you had wanted to get to know for a long time!

The stormy weather was getting worse & the 3 people in the sheltered bus stop were getting wet from the heavy rain. Lightning continued to strike & thunder roared....... The question is : What would you do in a situation like this? Remember... you have only a 2-seater car & will not be able to ferry all the 3 people in your car to a more sheltered place.


So, what would you do?

Ponder this situation & think of an answer before you scroll down for the supposedly 'best' answer!


There are no right or wrong to the above answers, only how the individual perceives the situation.

Most said they'll drive the old man then followed by the doctor. Several say since the old man's dying & they might not be able to save him by the time he reaches the hospital, they might as well drive the dream of their life and secure their future?!! So, what was the answer that impressed the interviewer so much?

This particular person said "I'll get out of my car, pass the car key to the doctor to drive the old man to the hospital so he might be able to save him just like he saved me. Then I'll be able to be with the dream of my life together in the sheltered bus stop."

With this answer, that person got the job immediately. As human beings, we are naturally selfish. From all the other answers given, none of them actually thought of giving up their car. It is not something wrong but at times, our thoughts are too narrow minded & we think mainly of ourselves. Hope you all learn from this & if your interviewers ask you similar questions, you'll be equipped & be able to answer the questions with ease.

[Nosivad]

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 pm one day, when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

Lesson learnt: - Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.

[Nosivad]

If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would now be worth £4.95, with HBOS, earlier this week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50, £1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5, but if you bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would get £214. So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle.

[Ayreon]

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE


NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and  Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she  doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom:  toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a  towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in  any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a  book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and  funerals.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about  dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE  DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO, send this to the women who have a sense  of humor and who can handle it ... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Proof that Men Have Better Friends.
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there

[Nosivad]

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.